“Assassin’s Creed” Review: Go see “Rogue One” again, people

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Directed by Justin Kurzel

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard and Jeremy Irons

Make that zero months since the last terrible video game movie.

Yes, Hollywood’s long running tradition of botching video game to film adaptations continues with its latest turd “Assassin’s Creed.”

Much like last summer’s “Warcraft,” yet another talented director and an even more talented cast could not crack the elusive video game to film code and this might be the most frustrating example yet.


(Hey, “Warcraft!” Great news! You’re no longer the most embarrassing video game movie of the year!)

“Assassin’s Creed” tells the story of Callum Lynch who as a child witnesses his father murder his mother only to grow up (through unexplained circumstances) to become a murderer (but he was a “pimp” as the film states, so it’s ok?). Rescued from execution, Cal is taken into a secretive organization that uses advanced technology to probe people’s biological DNA memories. They need Cal in order to discover the whereabouts of the mythical Apple of Eden through an organization known only as the Creed.

There’s not really much to say about this movie because, honestly, nothing really happens.

There is a ton of character development, rising action and plot points that are just plain missing throughout this mess of a film and it’s extremely frustrating to watch. It’s like if you were watching a big budget mini-series and episodes 2-4 and 6-9 were missing.


(How the folks down at Ubisoft must have felt after seeing the reviews.)

Because of this it’s hard to get interested, if at all, in the story of Cal or even the Assassin’s who (SPOILER) are barely in the film. Scenes feel detached and you will probably find yourself not caring about anything or anyone not even half way into the film. The film feels like a collection of trailer shots that do more to show momentary flashes of brilliance such as some admittedly breathtaking cinematography and action sequences (when they happen) but very little substance in between.

And that’s the biggest problem; Kurzel mistakenly puts higher emphasis on scenes involving Cal’s time outside his memories instead of focusing on the past where the film’s title gets its namesake. No one cares about the animus or what’s going on in 2016 (especially after the news today #RIPCarrieFisher) they want to assassins doing assassin things and the film simply has too little of that.


(More of this please…)

Cal is probably the story’s most fleshed out character and he barely registers as one. Fassbender is relegated to the most generic of one-liners throughout the film that serve nothing more than to fit conveniently in a trailer.

This might end up being the shortest review I’ve ever written because honestly there isn’t much to say about this hollow junk heap of a film. Fassbender acts the hell out of the three lines he’s given, Marion Cotillard just appears vaguely concerned with everything that’s going on (maybe because she’s feeling terrible remorse for being a part of this embarrassing mess) and Jeremy Irons kind of just stares into the void in 90 percent of the scenes he’s in.


(I’m preeeetty sure they recycled this shot multiple times throughout the film…)

We’re never told, nor shown why we should care about The Apple, The Creed or any of the characters in or between Cal’s flashbacks to the Spanish Inquisition and movie viewers will likely be bored stiff even when the action is happening and half of those are just people running from shit and jumping off shit.

I’ve been hyper critical of movies in the past, as many of you have read, but no matter what I always stay to the bitter fucking end of a movie because God damn it I’m a professional (I think). This movie was the first time in YEARS that I actually felt the need to walk out of the theater. I was THAT bored and disinterested.


(Btw, if you ever feel like watching “Melancholia” don’t…)

At least other bad video game movies had a level of cheese and hilarious absurdity that would keep you entertained for two hours.

This? This is just shit.


0 out of 5


What another bad video game movie? Yes, yes I did M. Bison. Yes I did…#RIPRaul

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