“Hercules” review: Not quite Rock bottom…

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Directed by Brett Ratner

Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ian McShane, John Hurt


FINALLY! THE ROCK has come BACK to the MOOOviessss…

Yes, A few days ago after an awesome weekend at Comic-Con (you jelly?) I got around to watching Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s latest venture on the silver screen; “Hercules.”

And I gotta tell you what, jabronies, “Hercules” wassssss….alright.

“Hercules,” based on the graphic novel “Hercules: The Thracian Wars,” tells the story of a legendary mercenary of the same name who is recruited to save the kingdom of Thrace from an evil warlord bent on creating an empire to conquer the world.

Meanwhile, Rockules must come to terms with his inner demons and a past that haunts him in order to fulfill his destiny and find peace in life.

“Hercules” strength (heh) lies less in its action scenes and CGI wonders but more in its wit and charisma.

Rockules’s band of heroes round out the cast nicely as each character is both equally unique and charmingly hammy for the enjoyment of the audience.

Rufus Sewell’s Autolycus is an enjoyable witty dagger-throwing companion to The Rock’s Hercules and Ingrid Bolso Berdal’s Atalanta is a nice Amazonian female warrior to add much needed estrogen to the testosterone stew of the film.

Norwegian actor Aksel Hennie as Tydeus also adds kind of a fun berserker Harpo (he doesn’t speak) to the mix of Rockules’s merry men (and woman).


(“Berserker Harpo” is a film I would pay good money to see…)

But nobody hammed it up better than the master of cheese himself, Ian McShane, who delivered much of the film’s best lines and scenes.

McShane’s future-seeing Amphiaraus is enjoyable throughout the film delivering cheese-filled lines about his encroaching death.

His character’s certainty with his doom and his riddle-filled prophecies were both hilarious and charming to watch.


(Ian McShane being weird and cheesy? What?)

The irony of the film is that the flattest actor of the film was none other than The Rock himself, who appeared to be relegated to the strong guy, generic action hero role for the film.

In other words The Rock was less The Rock and more John Cena.


(Yeah, we’re all still trying to forget “The Marine” too, bro…)

It’s a shame because The Rock is capable of doing so much more with his sense of wit than what the script allowed him to do.

Also, it was funny hearing everybody with English accents in the film while The Rock still sounded like he was still on the set of “Fast and Furious.”

The Rock’s stunning lack of one-liners was disappointing too, though hearing Rockules say “fucking, centaurs” was a big highlight in the movie.

But many times the film just feels like an engine for him to showoff his ridiculously large biceps onscreen to the audience.

He’s just big, swoll and awesome and there isn’t really much else added to his character beyond that.


(“For glory and gains!!”)

That said, he’s far from terrible in this role.

Fans will enjoy watching The Rock punch, stab and deliver The People’s wooden club on evil jabronies throughout the film and frankly that’s all he really needed to do to sell the movie.


(“This lion thinks he going to win the Royal Rumble!”)


(“This cerberus thinks he’s going to win the Royal Rumble!”)

(“Even this boar thinks he’s going to win the Royale Rumble!”)

What made the film interesting though was its twist on the myth itself.

The film, as some may have guessed from the trailers, is not quite what it seems.

Brett Ratner throws a few monkey wrenches into the story of Hercules but in a smart way that keeps the film open-ended and lets the viewer decided what he or she wants to believe at the end.

This said the film may not be terrible but it’s not particularly great either.

While the film does have plenty of humor and action, it can be dulled down from its less than stellar script and plot that makes the movie feel short and almost uneventful.

The film gets to the point so quickly that we barely have time to savor some of the better things that are in the movie.

The film is still worth a watch but can’t recommend it beyond a matinee here.

While the millions…



…of The Rock’s fans may be disappointed that their hero isn’t as fun as he usually is onscreen, “Rockules” is still an enjoyable sword and sandal flick worth watching.

Certainly better than that turd that came out Hollywood’s ass back in January at least…


(This is what it felt like watching “The Legend of Hercules”…)

So just check your brain at the theater door, sit back and enjoy watching Rockules and his friends kill bad guys for two hours…IF YA SMELLELELELELELEL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!!!!


3 out of 5


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