“Transformers: Age of Extinction” review: Well what the fuck did you expect?

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Directed by Michael Bay

Starring Mark Wahlberg and other people…

It’s a well-known fact that I enjoy bad movies almost as much as I enjoy good ones.

“Mystery Science Theater 3000” has warped my dumb monkey brain into going to see bad movies on purpose because there is something enjoyable about watching actors and directors shit their way through a film.



I have a moribund curiosity for watching particularly bad cinema, that’s why I went to see “The Amazing Spider-man 2” knowing full well that it would be awful and also astonishingly why I decided to sit through Michael Bay’s latest bowel movement.

Luckily it wasn’t my money that was spent watching this farce but even still I feel in some way that I contributed to this mad man’s scheme to ruin everybody’s childhoods for a fourth time and I feel awful for doing it.

In any case, there isn’t much to talk about here.

“Transformers: Age of Extinction” is basically the same plot as the last three films.

Evil Cybertronian device (ie: the All Spark in the first film, the “Matrix of Leadership in the second, and the five Pillars from the third) does bad things, Autobots roll out, explosions, shooting, metal shit flies across the screen and insert racist joke.

This one in particular is mind numbingly bad in all those things.

I could get into the particulars of how this steaming pile of a movie doesn’t represent any of the good qualities of the original cartoon series but it would take too long.


(I’m so sorry Optimus…)

I would like to mention, though, that I actually liked, to a certain extent, the first film.

Yeah, sure, it was dumb but it was dumb in a charming way, and pulled back just enough so that it wasn’t constant mess across the screen and it wasn’t three fucking hours long!

Also it had far less racist humor.

For whatever reason Michael Bay continues to do racist caricatures in these movies again; this time with Asian people.

See it wasn’t enough to ruin black people with Wheelie and Skids in the second film, now we got have a full-on Japanese samurai bot named Drift, played disappointingly by Ken Watanabe.


(Yes…THAT Ken Watanabe…)


Drift does pretty much every Asian stereotype across this three-hour farce of a movie, from spouting haikus to talking about honor and “disciprine”

(Oh God…no…why…?)

Most dishonorable indeed, Mr. Watanabe. Thanks for teaching kids how to stereotype Japanese people for the next generation.

Speaking of disappointing names attached to this movie, John Goodman took some time from picking cheesy poofs out of his fat folds to play an Autobot with a beer gut named Hound.

I have a feeling Michael Bay probably likes “The Big Lebowski,” since Hound is kind of a trigger-happy, giant robot version of Walter Sobchak.

Only in this case it doesn’t make me look back on that film with any reverence but rather remind me how much better things would have been had I stayed at home and watched “The Big Lebowski” while getting drunk off White Russians.

It wasn’t enough to ruin Leonard Nimoy and “Star Trek” in “Revenge of the Fallen,” was it Michael Bay?

No, you had to ruin my favorite stoner comedy too! That’s OVER THE LINE!



The action scenes are as dizzying as ever too, with giant robot carnage going non-stop for this nearly three-hour long love letter by Michael Bay to explosions.

I don’t know what possessed me to watch this film anymore.

Yeah, I enjoy watching bad films for the sheer pleasure of dissecting them but even this is too painful.

I guess it’s like “The Matrix;” you can’t be simply told how bad a “Transformers” film is; you have to see it for yourself.

Didn’t think any film would usurp “The Amazing Spider-man 2” as “Worse film of the Summer” but it shouldn’t be surprising when there’s a “Transformers” film in theaters.


(I will still never forgive you, Marc Webb…)

In any case, you probably weren’t going to see it anyways but I implore you do avoid anything that has Michael Bay attached to it this summer.


Yeah, that means “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” too, buddy.

(Oh God…)

So fuck you, Michael Bay! Fuck you for being a perpetual childhood ruiner!

Rating: Fuck this shit!


“See ya when the inevitable sequel comes out…”

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